THE LIBERAL AGENDA

I've been hearing a lot lately about some Liberal Agenda that President Obama is about to inflict on us unwilling Americans any second now. Well, this kind of talk scared me as much as the next red-blooded patriot, so I did what any right-thinking person would do under these circumstances. I rushed out and bought up all the 9mm pistol ammunition I could find in the local sporting goods stores. (In case you didn't know it, 9mm is by far the most popular round for home defense.) Turns out all I could find was 3 very overpriced boxes because everyone else seems to have thought of doing this before me. Well, maybe that was for the best, considering that I don't own any 9mm firearms.

Then I started to wonder--what exactly is this Liberal Agenda, anyway? I asked around and nobody down at the Dew Drop Inn seemed to know exactly for sure, so I started searching with the Google and whatnot, and I finally actually found a copy posted on one of those liberal socialist websites. So, without further ado (whatever that is), I present to you--

THE LIBERAL AGENDA

All NASCAR events will immediately be outlawed.

Alcohol will no longer be served in public places, but tavern and bar owners may apply for re-licensure to serve marijuana and effete coffee-based beverages.

Abortions will be available on demand for everyone, and will be mandatory for any pregnant woman who is not a card-carrying Democrat.

Gay marriage will be legalized, as will inter-species domestic partnerships.

All military vehicles such as tanks, airplanes and ships will be painted in rainbow colors to signify inclusiveness, and will be emblazoned with pink triangles.

Atheism will immediately be proclaimed the State religion. Anyone refusing to evolve into an atheist will be sent to a Darwinian re-education camp.

Illegal immigrants will be given preference in federal hiring.

Church services will be outlawed everywhere and replaced with Sunday-morning sensitivity training and yoga.

All guns will be confiscated immediately. People who voluntarily turn in three or more firearms will be awarded free surfboards.

All faith-based charity funding will cease immediately, and the funds will be diverted to the new Adopt-A-Terrorist programs that will be starting up in every state.

Life Sentences for Teens

CNN is carrying a story today about kids sent to prison for life. According to their story, "at least 73 U.S. inmates -- most of them minorities -- ... were sentenced to spend the rest of their lives in prison for crimes committed when they were 13 or 14, according to the Equal Justice Initiative, a nonprofit organization in Alabama that defends indigent defendants and prisoners.

"The 73 are just a fraction of the more than 2,000 offenders serving life sentences for crimes they committed as minors under the age of 18."

As I read these unGodly statistics, I am once more reminded that in Ameria, life imprisonment is for retail killers only. Wholesale murder isn't illegal.

Case in Point #1: The Ford Pinto Memo.

In the 1970's, Ford put out the Pinto with a defect that caused the car to explode in a ball of flame if rear-ended. They then ran a cost-benefit analysis to determine whether or not to modify the car to eliminate the defect. Here is their calculation (from Wikipedia):

Fatalities Associated with Crash-Induced Fuel Leakage and Fires

Expected Costs of producing the Pinto with fuel tank modifications:

* Expected unit sales: 11 million vehicles (includes utility vehicles built on same chassis)
* Modification costs per unit: $11.00
* Total Cost: $121 million
<= 11,000,000 vehicles x $11.00 per unit>

Expected Costs of producing the Pinto without fuel tank modifications:

* Expected accident results (assuming 2100 accidents):
180 burn deaths
180 serious burn injuries
2100 burned out vehicles
* Unit costs of accident results (assuming out of court settlements):
$200,000 per burn death*
$67,000 per serious injury
$700 per burned out vehicle
* Total Costs: $49.53 million
<= (180 deaths x $200k) + (180 injuries x $67k) + (2100 vehicles x $700 per vehicle)>

Thus, the costs for fixing the Pinto was $121 million, while settling cases where injuries occur was only $50 million. With such a difference in costs, Ford decided to manufacture and market the Pinto without fuel tank modifications.

Nobody was ever held criminally responsible for this decision.

*By the way, the $200k and $67k figures for the average value of a lost or injured adult life is drawn from the NHTSA (National Highway Traffic Safety Administration) calculation of the estimated costs to society of automobile accidents. It is not a low-ball figure fabricated by Ford. (For example, the $200k for death was calculated by adding estimated direct costs of $163k -- such as loss of future earnings, plus $37k of indirect costs -- such as hospital and insurance costs, legal and court costs, victim pain and suffering, funeral costs, and property damage.)

Case # 2:

The Bush Administration prevaricated their way into an elective war using supposed intelligence information that they knew to be bogus. Total cost, at least 1 million lives, and the ruin of the cultural artifacts of an ancient civilization.

Penalty? None.